Purgatory
by SawyerRaleigh
Summary: Crime: 1. A deed that goes against any law or morality whatsoever, a premeditated act that causes damage to valuables or disobeys social order to commit a crime ...
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Ummm. I dunno. I was trying to sleep and the imagery kept nagging at me so I got up and wrote it. Partly inspired by the song "Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Ethridge prolly. this is what I get for listening to music before bed. *shrug* I may continue it, I dunno, I did kind of leave it wide open at the end. ^^; Lemme know if you think I should continue it I guess? Set after the last chapter- has lots of references to particular scenes from Tokyo Babylon and X.  
_

_.  
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Crime:

1. A deed that goes against any law or morality whatsoever, a premeditated act that causes damage to valuables or disobeys social order (to commit a crime)

2. Penalty, punishment. Yield to a crime's punishment. To punish for a crime.

3. (according to Christianity, Buddhism, and other creeds) An act that goes against the precepts.

.

_Creak._

He had never reported to the landlord that the hinges of the front door needed oiling. He tried his best to close the door more quietly so as not to disturb the neighbors, carefully sliding the lock in place with a soft yet reassuring click. Funny how that little inch of metal was suppose to keep people out. Even more interesting how it kept him in.

_Swish._

A thin bolt of cloth rustled and sighed. The broken window pane was never a problem. He never seemed to notice the cold as the sun sleepily lay down its head behind the horizon and the patterns the glass shards made with their crystalline glisten provided him with something to stare at on the days when he found himself sitting on the edge of the bed again, smoke lazily drifting from the glowing embers between his fingers. Now a few scattered pieces made a quiet crunch of protest as he crossed the floor of the flat.

_Drip._

The leaky faucet could probably be easily fixed. Once it had been during routine maintenance. Several sleepless nights had passed before he had realized that it was the lack of a steady drip that had drastically augmented the emptiness of the apartment. How empty it must have been for a few drops of water to not go unnoticed.

It only took a few moments to fill the bathtub. Subaru was not waiting for the heater to kick in, simply letting cold water gush out of the faucet at the highest possible velocity. He couldn't have said what he did in the meantime. He didn't remember. Perhaps he contemplated removing his clothing but it was in vain if he had.

The boots went in first, the laces grasping for the surface as the soles hit the pristinely porcelain bottom of the tub, immediately smudging it with the dirt and tar and grime of all the places he had been. The edges of the leather coat similarly waved through the water in a futile attempt not to sink as Subaru slid in. At last the only things still out in the air were the tops of his knees, his hands, and his head. He stared at the hands for several long moments, listening to the drip of two faucets now, waiting for the sound to synchronize but it never did.

He relaxed his arms and watched, fascinated as the blood of his last victim began to gradually dissipate in the water as his hands slid beneath the surface. The water around them turned an uneven pinkish red like smoke painting the air gray.

_Romantic._ He thought vaguely and leaned back.

Slipping underwater was like slipping in between dimensions he had always thought. It may as well have been anyway. You couldn't hear things from the other world you had just left properly, but you couldn't hear things from the one you were headed to either. You could see things if you opened your eyes but it was disorienting to look at where you had come from that way. The scenery just couldn't be still, even if you could. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Weren't people supposed to move and their surroundings stay still? You couldn't smell things either, although you could taste the water if you opened your mouth or stuck out your tongue. Somehow though, it never tasted the same when you were in it as when you were drinking it from a glass, as though that sense were just as tampered with as the rest. You could feel too but even that was distorted by being in water when the sudden awareness of one's entire body as the feeling of both the heaviness and weightlessness kicked in.

Maybe this was purgatory.

Subaru closed his eyes.

He was lying on white sheets. Or maybe just one white sheet. It was hard to tell the way it was rumpled and creased. He sighed softly and twitched as a feather brushed across the back of his hand, disturbed by the small breath.

_A pair of lips brushed across the back of his hand and thin slivers of blood welled up across it. _

A drop of blood, just the tiniest drop, fell, leaving a miniscule stain on the sleeve of Subaru's white pajamas.

"_You can call me Seishirou."_

One pane of smooth glass was hung on a wall at the end of a long dark hallway.

"_Would you blame a mistake on someone who did not know what he was doing?"_

Of course he wouldn't. Unless that person was himself. There was a pane of glass on his own wall as well. Subaru forced himself to look in it every single day to wish his reflection a good morning. It was the closest he could get to keeping his promise to Hokuto to do so.

"_I'm sure that you're intentions were good."_

Why was the room so empty? Why were there no personal affects? Why hadn't he noticed that before?

_The sound of glass shattering out in the hallway was surely just a dream._

Maybe this was all just a dream?

_Drip._

He saw the flash of metal, heard the ranting of a person whose desperation had pushed her over the edge labeled "sanity".

_He never realized how arbitrary that label was until now. How could any person decide what made someone "sane"? What good could it possibly do to say that someone wasn't? Why was there only "sane" and "insane"? Could someone be stuck in between? What did that make them?_

He didn't move on purpose, fully prepared to bear the brunt of the attack himself. No amount of preparation for physical pain though could have readied him for the heart-wrenching moment of realization that struck full-force when he saw the rivers of red trailing sickly from beneath Seishirou's bangs, over his cheek, to drip from his chin.

_Drip._

Another drop of blood fell, leaving another small dark stain on the white cloth. It dripped over Subaru's stomach, leaving a small stain on the sheets as well, although the feathers remained untouched.

"_Cherry blossoms start out white. White like snow."_

"To break your arm like this or to break a glass- where is the difference?"

_He couldn't take it anymore. He felt the pinch of nails against the sensitive skin of his palm as he balled his hand into a fist. A fast and hard slam against it was more than enough to shatter the mirror. He ignored the rivulets dripping from his hand, staring at the shattered bits of a reflection he no longer recognized._

That's right. It wasn't glass from the window pane he had walked across. It was the shards of the mirror he hadn't touched since that day.

"_I'll stay by your side."_

Liar.

"_I'll see you again soon."_

"We'll meet again someday."

_Liar!_

Those lies should not have hurt the most. Or so he thought. But maybe this was just like the question of sanity. Who could really say what should or should not hurt.

_He shouldn't hurt._

He didn't hurt.

_He ran his fingertips over the silky-soft edges of a feather like snowy eyelashes. _

He didn't hurt. Nothing hurt.

_Drip._

How could it hurt when you couldn't feel?

"_I felt nothing. Though drenched in my mother's blood, I felt nothing."_

"Maybe all people who do bad things are really just lonely."

_Isn't loneliness a form of pain though?_

There were screams and flames and the wail of sirens and there was a dim notion that Subaru should worry for his safety but that notion was drowning in the face inches away from his own. There was a cut on it, thanks to him, a slash across his left cheek.

_Another tiny, tiny drop of blood stained the cuff of his pant leg, seeping through just enough to faintly kiss the unmarked skin beneath._

Wind.

_A spell._

Concentration.

_Anticipation._

Heavy.

_Confusion._

Something wet was on his hand.

_Drip._

Another drop fell and blossomed, spreading through the fabric to greet the stains of another drop that had just fallen then another, and another and…

"_You're too kind."_

"I couldn't…"

"_That's why…"_

Another mirror shattered.

"_I…"_

A breath tickled his ear.

_A breath blew away several feathers._

The red was darkening as it skimmed over his body. The fabric was shifting from a soft, light cotton to something heavier.

_Heavy. Something heavy was in his arms._

Oh yeah.

_Leather clothes clung to his skin. _

He clung to the body.

_He reached for the container held out before him._

And signed a death warrant.

_If only it had been his own._

"Is that so?" What a callous response to the death of a fellow dragon.

_The sheets were changing too. Black on black now._

But the feathers were still white. There were fewer. But they were white.

_The cloak whipped around him. _

"Subaru? Why…"

"_Why do you think?"_

Why?

_Ring._

Subaru stirred.

_Drip._

The shrill tone of an answering machine was followed by a gravelly voice. "Subaru? I know you're there. Subaru, please pick up the phone. Subaru! Listen, Subaru, why don't you come home for a few days? I really think it would do you some good."

_Good?_

"Please Subaru. Please just… call back."

_Click._

Subaru opened his eyes to see nothing but white and for a moment he thought maybe he was back in the room with the sheets and the feathers. Then he realized it was the porcelain side of the bathtub. He shifted slightly, feeling the unpleasant pull of soaked leather clinging to damp skin.

He disentangled himself from the small, cramped ball he had been curled into and sat up.

_Drip._

He wondered numbly where the rest of the water was for a moment before stiffly trying to pull himself to a standing position. Spending a night curled up in a cold, small space apparently was not so kind to one's muscles.

Then again, when was he ever kind to any part of himself.

He stumbled as he tried to stand and fell back to his knees with a thud and a wince.

A shuffle at the doorway of the bathroom made him freeze before attempting again and he stared at the bottom of the tub, at the cold white porcelain beneath him, unwilling to look up as a voice he recognized spoke up.

"We need to talk."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Yeah so obviously I decided to continue it... There will be 5 parts total I think. ^_^ Enjoy. Oh, and the quote here at the beginning was part of the inspiration for this chapter, it's based on St. Exupery's "The Little Prince" (Awesome book, read it if you haven't already. :P). It means "When you need me, search in the sky, and you will see my star. I'll be there. Listen, very carefully, and you will hear my laugh."

.

_« Quand tu auras besoin de moi, cherche dans le ciel, et tu verras mon étoile. Je serais là. Ecoute, bien attentivement, et tu entendras mon rire. » _

_._

_I'm dead._ Subaru thought as she vigorously ran the towel over his hair, chastising him about how he would catch a cold if he just sat here like this, it was lucky he didn't already have one, having slept cold and wet, and what was with that outfit anyway, he seriously needed some color in his wardrobe.

_Why does it matter? Can you catch colds after you're dead?_ He wondered, staring at her shoulder. Her voice was exactly as he had remembered it; loud like she was holding nothing back, speaking with every ounce of oxygen available to her. High-pitched in a way that could grate on one's nerves like nails on a chalkboard if overused or exaggerated but could be soothing and graceful in song or calming whispers. Or in its dusty familiarity.

She chattered on, ignoring the fact that he was clearly not listening to a word she was saying, too intent upon the sound of her voice and the bright orange fabric bunching and stretching in little folds and strains of cloth as she moved her arms. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, burying his face in her shoulder and breathing in the familiar citrus scent that she had always been so fond of.

She didn't comment on this action, merely draped the towel around his neck and wrapped her arms around him, falling silent for a moment and resting her cheek on the top of his head. He heavily drew his arm out of the tub to embrace her as well and was surprised at how small she seemed. Had she always been this small? They used to be the same size… certainly she had started to develop more curves than he had obviously but she never seemed so… fragile. Subaru supposed he had not realized how much he had grown since he was sixteen.

He suddenly wanted a cigarette.

"Subaru." Hokuto gently pulled away slightly. "I don't have very long and we still need to talk."

_Didn't have very long? Didn't they have all the time in the world?_

She put a hand on either side of his face, holding his gaze. "Seriously Subaru, what the hell did you think you were doing?"

He stared at her, uncomprehending.

"Subaru?"

He couldn't find the words to even ask what she meant.

_Drip._

It was cold earlier wasn't it? Why was it so warm in the bathroom now? Had Hokuto turned on the apartment heat?

Subaru?

Ah, maybe she only had a little time because he was going to hell soon. That would make sense.

"Subaru!"

A sudden bonk on the head disturbed his reverie.

"Don't ignore your big sister like that! It's very rude!" She huffed. "Seriously. You haven't seen me in how many years and here you go spacing out as usual. Honestly. Men."

Subaru tried to work out how that was related to the male half of the population without much success.

"Now are you going to answer me or not?"

"Answer what?" He managed to croak at last, feeling as if he had swallowed the shards of glass scattered across the floor in the other room. He hadn't had he? He had met the ghost of a woman who had done that once when her lover left her for another woman. He remembered thinking that seemed so extreme and far-fetched at the time. It didn't seem so strange now.

"_No one can ever know exactly how you feel."_

He thought that was a helpful thing to say back then. It seemed to be anyway, acknowledging that someone else's pain was their own. If only he had had any concept of what a burden that could be.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

Subaru scraped the bottom of his dark little barrel of memories. "You mean taking on the role of Sakurazukamori?" He guessed at what could have his sister up in arms right now.

Hokuto whacked his head again. "No you ridiculous boy. Trying to kill yourself."

One thing you could say for Hokuto: she never did beat around the bush.

"I-" Subaru paused. "Trying?"

"Yes, _trying_. You were actively seeking Seishirou out just to get him to kill you, or so he told me."

"He… you… you talked to him?"

Hokuto waved her hand dismissively as though she were batting away his comment like an annoying fly. "That's beside the point."

"But-"

"And just now? Well earlier tonight? With the whole bathtub thing? What is this Subaru."

Subaru looked down, suddenly remembering the wet clothes with a shiver. "Trying?" He repeated hoarsely. "You mean I didn't…"

Comprehension dawned on Hokuto and she rolled her eyes again. "Of course not, silly. You're still alive and kicking. Well alive anyway."

_Drip._

Disappointment sank his heart like a weight.

"But… I wanted to join you and Seishirou-san…" Subaru coughed, feeling an ominous tremble that he worried was a warning sign of another earthquake.

"Why are you in such a hurry? It's not like we're having a party without you or something!" Hokuto laughed her insane-evil-female-Santa laugh before clapping him on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over. "Don't worry little brother! We won't start the festivities until you get here! We're in no hurry! But expect a damn good welcome party when you do come! We've already started planning!"

Subaru stared at the edge of the bathtub in between them, unable to meet her eyes glittering with cheerful anticipation. "I don't want to be here without you in the meantime."

"Subaru," She shifted so as to fold her arms on the edge of the tub and rest her chin on them so that her nose was millimeters away from his. It had been a long time since someone had been this physically close to him. He had forgotten what little sense of personal space Hokuto had always had. "Do you remember when we were eight, and Obaa-sama took you away to train in the mountains for the doo-hicky-ma-bopper thingy?"

"The initiation ceremony to be an onmyouji." Subaru automatically supplied.

"Yeah that thing. Remember how we both cried the night before and couldn't sleep because we were going to be apart for a whole year?"

"It was near our birthday when I left and we weren't going to get to celebrate together." Subaru felt his memories beginning to come into focus like wiping away the fog on a glass.

"Yeah. We were both pretty heart-broken about that. But do you remember what we came up with to make ourselves feel better?"

He didn't at first but then the image of a tiny hand silhouetted against a shining night sky floated to the surface of his mind. "We would both wave to the stars at midnight. So that it was like we were waving to one another."

Hokuto's laughter was warm and embracing. "That's right. I remember you weren't supposed to have contact with anyone else and so you were scared you would get in trouble for it with Obaa-san because you thought it would count."

There just the tiniest tug at the corners of his lips at the memory of an innocent straight-laced little boy. He was sure that that little boy would not recognize the man he had become.

_Drip. _

Another shudder ran through him and he realized suddenly that the little toothbrush holder on the sink was as still as could be. It wasn't an earthquake after all, it was just him.

_There shouldn't be any earthquakes anymore anyway._ He reminded himself. _Not like back then, remember?_

Hokuto's fingertips slid down the edge of the tub and found his, pulling his hands up. They held them palm-to-palm as they sat face-to-face.

When they were little they had played a game where they pretended to be one another's mirrors, copying each other's motions as closely as they could, and trying to do something silly to throw one another off. Witnesses often commented on the uncanniness of their ability to predict one another's every move with such swift accuracy, no matter how bizarre and the obvious physical similarity threw onlookers even more. That is, until he got the gloves. Then they were no longer perfect mirrors; the hands were always what gave them away as two different people.

He supposed it was the markings on his hands that had started their divergence of paths all along now that he thought about it.

_A mirror shattered and lay in sparkling pieces on the floor. He wasn't sure how it had gotten there but his hand was wet with blood he was pretty sure was his own. _

_Drip._

"Subaru." Hokuto gently drew him out of the daze he had momentarily slipped back into. "We can still do that. Every night if you want. At midnight, I'll wave to the Pleiades if you'll wave to the North Star." She shook her hand as though practicing. "Promise me you'll do that?"

Subaru nodded heavily. Was the light bulb dying out? Was that why it was so dim in here suddenly?

"But you can't come join me yet. You have to stay here."

_Why?_ Subaru wanted to ask but couldn't summon the energy. Seriously, how high had she turned up the heater?

"Subaru?" Hokuto sounded worried. That wasn't good. She was never worried.

_Drip._

Something soft brushed his cheek.

"Subaru!"

"_The place where you live now… is my sister there?"_

"_Dunno. What's she like?"_

_He hesitated, allowing pain to course through his veins like a poison before exhaling it and hanging his head._

"_She's just like me."_

"_Then she's not here… there's no one up here with such lonely eyes as yours."_

That was the day he had stopped believing in heaven.

_He was in the room with the feathers again, staring at the stark contrast between them and the sheets now. It was hot now though. He squirmed, trying to pull off the leather coat but it clung to his skin as if trying to replace it. _

Flames engulfed the plaza as people tried to flee in panic and fear. There was blood on his cheek that wasn't his own and the smell of cherry blossoms just below his nose as fingertips dissolved into delicate petals.

_He was suffocating, the clothes were too tight, too hot. _

"I want you to want something for yourself. You're too altruistic." Hokuto was lecturing him over chicken nuggets again, disturbing all of the other people in the restaurant as usual with her unapologetically voluminous voice.

_He was sick again, in the hospital with a fever that the doctors were explaining in an irritated voice could have killed him. They left the room with the professional click of heals on cold tiles, leaving Subaru in near-tears that dissipated when he caught sight of Hokuto making faces at their pristinely lab-coated backs. _

A shard of mirror was lying near his face. He reached out, feeling the small slice of skin giving way to sharper edges and held it up to examine. The night sky was reflected in it, the incomprehensible depth and breadth of the universe hinted at but not fully represented by the little sliver of a mirror.

_Just like the world._ Subaru thought.

He tilted it slightly, recognizing the star at the very point. The North Star, the guiding star. He pulled himself up, sitting up just long enough to discover that he was balanced on the very edge of a cliff. In his shock, he dropped the shard and felt despair wash over him at the loss of the star.

_"When you need me, search in the sky and you will see my star…"_

Where was the sky?

_Drip._

It was raining and the clouds had drawn a thick veil across the sky, obscuring the stars and painting the cliff edge dark and perilous. It was a slippery slope below and Subaru sensed that if he moved even an inch he would slide all the way to the bottom.

_He had never believed in hell because he could not imagine subjecting any living being to eternal torment, no matter what they had done while they were alive. At least that was how he had thought before taking that eye…_

The leather had gotten twisted, wrapping around his neck and wrists, cutting off his airway, his circulation. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't feel except for the heat of his own skin trapped beneath black material. Who knew the mortal coil could be so overwhelmingly warm...

_Drip._

Something cool was against his forehead. Something that smelled faintly of cherry blossoms.

Subaru squirmed slightly, still feeling the cling of the leather clothes.

A low chuckle came from somewhere nearby and whatever had been against his forehead disappeared, drawing a small whimper from him. Then someone was helping him out of the clothes, carefully peeling back the still-damp fabric and laying it over a chair nearby.

When he was down to just his boxers, Subaru stopped struggling and curled up in a ball as a winter breeze burst through the broken window pane, violently billowing the curtains and allowing the streetlamps and signs of the city to peer through and briefly illuminate the room with borrowed light. Someone was sitting on the edge of the bed. Someone with broad shoulders and a familiar smile…

Subaru bolted upright and immediately regretted it as the room spun around him. He might have thrown up if there had been anything to throw up. After a few shaky moments, of clinging to the sheets, slightly damp with perspiration, he took as deep a breath as his rattling lungs would allow. "Sei-" He tried to choke out the man's name only to discover that his throat had dried up.

"Good evening Subaru-kun."


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Hurray for bothering to write again! \ ^_^ /_

_._

"Wha-" It was an effort to get even that much out, jagged breath raking over a sore throat.

"Your sister tells me you've been a bit lonely and have taken to some… shall we say, unsavory practices." He reached up to lightly brush away a few strands of hair clinging damply to Subaru's forehead. "Like dunking yourself in the bathtub and forgetting to come up for air."

Subaru closed his eyes leaned into Seishirou's hand as it strayed down the side of his face to rest against his cheek. Seishirou smiled fondly and approvingly at the submissive action and ran his thumb across one eyelid, skin skimming lightly over sensitive skin.

"Really now Subaru. I leave this behind for you and you don't even want to stick around long enough for it to be of use to you?"

Subaru felt tears well up behind both eyes, his own and the borrowed one.

Seishirou said nothing as the tears slipped out, sneaking out from underneath Subaru's closed eyelids to rain down his cheeks. He simply wiped them away, one by one, waiting patiently for the young man to calm down.

"Why?" Subaru choked out, no longer crying, but a far cry from steady.

"Why what?" Seishirou wondered. "Why did I leave you this eye? Simple." He bent his head closer to Subaru's, filling the younger man's field of vision. "Because you're mine. I couldn't let someone else make some sort of claim on you now could I?"

Subaru shook his head weakly. "You never had to. I was-" He was interrupted by a wracking cough that left him doubled over and breathless.

Seishirou waited silently for the fit to pass, observing him the way one might observe a specimen of bacteria in the lab with only mild curiosity overshadowed by analytic intention.

"I don't approve Subaru."

"What?"

"I don't approve of what you're doing to yourself." Seishirou shrugged as he leaned back, crossing his legs.

"Why? Maybe I could die and come be wherever you are." Subaru wheezed.

Seishirou chuckled softly. "What makes you think you want to be where I am?"

"You're there." He twisted his hands in the sheets, wishing it was Seishirou's shirt. Sometimes he thought back on that year that they spent as friends and wondered how differently it might have all gone if once, just once, he had given in…

Seishirou flashed a sharp smile. "What if I'm in Hell?"

Subaru jerked his head up in horror. "Are you?"

This earned him a mirthless laugh. "You see, you wouldn't want to follow me there, now would you?"

"Yes I would." He replied without hesitation. Hell could not be much worse than where he already was. He had decided that years ago.

Rather than chastise the claim, Seishirou humored him. Then again, that was what Seishirou had always done wasn't it?

"Are you in Hell though?"

"You know questions like that are taboo." Seishirou replied in a voice that was as ephemeral as he appeared, lit by waving strains of city lights peeking in through the curtains whenever the breeze blew them back.

_Swish._

Subaru swayed slightly himself; his head felt as light as the curtains drifting vaguely into the apartment.

"I don't care anyway." He murmured. "It doesn't really matter where you ended up. I just want…"

He frowned at the wandering folds of fabric draped across his legs. "I want you. That's what Hokuto always wanted. For me to want something for myself." He tried unsuccessfully to lift his head. "But if I wanted to love you for that reason… did I really want it for myself? Or was it still for her?" He wondered vaguely.

"You're delirious." Seishirou replied simply.

"Am I?" Subaru wondered. "Why does everything seem so much fuzzier… and so much clearer at once then?"

_Swish._

Seishirou pressed a hand lightly to his chest and although Subaru knew that the ghost couldn't really touch him, he lay back slowly anyway as if guided by it.

"Why did you have to die?" Subaru choked.

"That's how the next Sakurazukamori is chosen. They are always killed by the one that they love. That's just how it is."

"But that's so horrible…"

"Not for the one who is dying. To be killed by the person that you love? To leave your life literally in their hands? I can't think of many things more beautiful than that, can you?"

"But what about the person left behind…" Subaru's eyes widened. "Wait, who was it that left you behind Seishirou-san?"

"No one left me behind."

"But you killed someone to become the Sakurazukamori-" Subaru faltered. "Your mother. Didn't you say she was the first person that you killed, you said that she was your predecessor…"

"She was."

"But didn't you miss her?"

"No."

"But…"

"Go to sleep Subaru."

"Seishirou… san…"

"Yes?"

"Don't go."

"I'm already gone. Don't follow me. Not yet."

"Why not?"

Seishirou laughed. "Because your sister will kill me. I'd take a threat like that seriously. She already did it once."

"But…"

_Swish._

_A light in the distance grew, engulfed him, leaving him in white, beautiful, pure, blankness…_

_Darkness swept over it, swallowing the light and Subaru himself with it. _

_A bloody knife clattered at his feet as glass walls slammed up around him. A shudder announced that the glass box was moving and outside he saw cold concrete walls hissing past, disappearing to somewhere far above him. He looked up, wondering if he would see out of the top of the glass cage where it was going, but only saw a mirror._

_He hated mirrors._

_He hated seeing himself._

_Green eyes stared back, staring…_

_He tried to back away, his back hitting unyielding glass._

_Mist swirled around his feet as a baby cried in the distance._

You can hear him can't you?

_He threw his hands over his ears and dropped to his knees._

_No…_

_Paper rained from the ceiling, little slips of prayers…_

Please, I want a puppy…

Please, I want to go to that high school…

Please, I want my husband to stop drinking…

Please, let her be okay…

Please, let them stop fighting…

Please, I want…

I want…

I want to be okay…

_And how he had prayed._

_The baby continued to cry, its voice a growing wail and Subaru wondered if the crystal clear wet drops slipping across the glass floor under his knees were his own tears or the child's. _

_Something else was falling from the ceiling with the delicate pink of a young lover's lips. _

Don't let your heart be swept away by the sakura…

_A petal brushed lovingly against his cheek, drawing a thin, stinging line of blood. Another petal brushed against his sleeve, slicing through it and skin effortlessly, casually…_

To break your arm or break a glass- where is the difference?

_He clutched at his arm, expecting it to be mangled, shocked when he looked down to see that it was whole other than the increasingly numerous cuts from the raining sakura. _

I wanted to tell you…

_Twisted sheets and gasps haunted the edge of his vision to the right even as he heard the snap of the bone to his left. _

I bet…

_Flames consumed the building, but nothing burned brighter in his mind's eye than the man in front of it. Heat rolled off of both and paralysis set in, freezing him. Had he always been the one who was frozen? Or was it just by comparison?_

_Where were his gloves? Why were his hands so naked… so vulnerable? Why was he wide open like this? Panic squeezed his heart and quickened his breath, pumping adrenaline through his system, even as another petal swept softly across his knee, opening up the denim stretched across it as well as the pale skin beneath. _

A pair of lips pressed against black leather. He wasn't completely asleep if he was being honest with himself.

_He always was right on the edge wasn't he._

_Faint reflections in the glass distracted him from his bare hands. Memories played across them, slipping_ _away like the last remnants of a misty morning burned away by the afternoon sun. _

_No…_

A walk in the snow, hands held, footsteps synchronized.

_That never…_

A smile and caress, himself… older, silver whispering experience at his temples. And the hand that had brushed his cheek…

_That wouldn't…_

_The child screeched in the distance, and the glass protested with snaking cracks that broke out over its surface, threatening to shatter and drop Subaru in the dark abyss beneath him. _

Lips pressed to his, his back pressed against the cold, hard metal of a lamppost, golden light spill out over sparkling snow…

_Subaru gasped for breath, feeling like the air in the claustrophobic little box was getting warmer and thicker almost like…_

Blood… so much blood… he couldn't wash his hands enough. Why hadn't he been wearing gloves that day?

But he wouldn't, couldn't, change the coat, because this blood was his.

_Suspension wires snapped with an ear-splitting crack and the glass walls shrank, pressing against Subaru's shoulders ominously. There was no more air… He needed air… He reached for the ceiling, wondering if he could climb out of the elevator…_

Swish.

_A hand reached down and clasped his and then…_

A breeze from the broken window swept the room, setting Subaru shivering but he gasped for air, realizing that he could breathe after all. Had he climbed out?

A hand squeezed his and he opened his eyes, expecting to see whoever had pulled him out.

"Hi Subaru-san."


	4. Chapter 4

"Ka…mui…" Subaru's breathlessness was partially from the wheeze in his chest, and partially from shock. He wasn't sure why this surprised him so much more than either Hokuto or Seishirou's appearance though.

Kamui nodded, squeezing his hand again. "Yeah, it's me."

"But you're…"

"Dead, yeah."

Subaru squeezed his eyes shut, fully expecting Kamui to be gone when he opened them again.

He wasn't.

Years had passed yet a teenager he remained, still with the same large, innocent yet knowing amethyst eyes.

"Why are you here Kamui?" Subaru asked wearily.

"The world didn't end, Subaru." The boy answered softly.

"I know that."

"Then why do you keep acting like it did?"

"Kamui…" Subaru struggled to sit up. "How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you were the one had finally killed Fuuma?"

The teenager gave him a long hard stare before at last responding. "I've seen Fuuma."

"Oh yeah?" Subaru was vaguely curious. He had not heard from or about any of the other dragons since that day…

"Do you know what he's doing now?"

"No clue."

"He's a teacher."

Subaru tried to grasp the significance of the words but it was like trying to hold on to a slippery bar of soap.

"He's trying to make the most of every minute while he has it."

"What…"

"He wants to help make the future a better place and he's doing it by helping his students get the best education he can provide. He usually works with problem teenagers and helps them get back on track." Kamui continued with a note of pride.

Subaru stared at him uncomprehending.

"Fuuma still has a chance, Subaru." Kamui tightened his grip on Subaru's hand. "He's still hanging in there and working toward something."

"And you want me to do the same." Subaru finally understood what Kamui was getting at and the realization exhausted him.

"I do."

"Kamui…"

The boy shook his head, effortlessly silencing Subaru as moonlight glinted in violet eyes. "If you had died for me, you would have wanted me to go on and have the best life I could, wouldn't you?"

"I would have wanted you to live whatever life you chose, no matter what your choice entailed."

"And this is your choice?" Kamui gestured around the room, pausing ever so slightly as his hand swept past the leaky bathroom, the broken glass still scattered across the floor, the squeaky front door. "What does living like this accomplish Subaru?"

"I-"

"You know why I think you're doing this?" Kamui cut him off with a stern look. "I think you're trying to repent for what you see as sins.

Subaru gave him as baffled a look as he could manage, unsure of which Kamui to focus on as his vision seemed to be insisting on showing him a couple right now.

"You think you have done wrong and so you are punishing yourself because no one else will." Kamui continued and Subaru thought that a tiny bit of sense might be starting to appear here. "But there's a reason no one else is punishing you, Subaru."

Subaru gave a choked laugh. "Because no one dares approach the Sakurazukamori?"

Kamui rolled his eyes. "That didn't stop you. Or Fuuma. Or me." He fixed Subaru with another serious gaze. "But that isn't why. It's because you didn't do anything wrong, Subaru."

He began to protest but Kamui raised a hand, effectively halting him. Or perhaps it was the inability to catch his breath that stopped him. In either case, the boy continued unchecked.

"You did things that you regret, but not that were wrong. Nobody except for yourself blames you for anything that happened and frankly, it's about time that you forgave yourself." He paused, reconsidering the wording. "No, you don't need to forgive yourself really. Because there is nothing to forgive."

The weight of those words settled on Subaru's chest, pressing down enough to suffocate, to break ribs until he let them sink in. They wrapped around his heart and lungs and strangely, for just a moment, he could breathe easily.

"I know I can't magically fix everything with a sentence, I know you're still going to be a broken individual no matter what I say." Kamui continued, violet eyes colored with sadness. "But I did hope that if you could get past your belief that everything is your fault and stop drowning yourself in guilt and blame that you might be able to appreciate the world Sorata, Karen, Nataku, and I worked to leave behind for everyone else."

"Kakyou." Subaru coughed and Kamui jumped. "You left out Kakyou. He was helping the Seals too, remember?"

Kamui relaxed and gave him a strange look. "Yes, I guess he was." He admitted softly.

"I can't make any promises." Subaru added and the boy gave him a sad sort of smile.

"I know. I just really wanted to make sure that was said before it was too late."

Subaru nodded and with that, drifted into another dream.

_He was sleeping. It was a strange, ethereal feeling, watching oneself sleep and yet he knew he was. How could he be both conscious and unconscious at the same time, he wondered briefly and the scene abruptly changed._

_He stood on the edge of a river, white water rapids crashing upon jagged boulders, a deafening cacophony of sound. On the other side of the river, Kamui, Hokuto, and Seishirou laughed as they enjoyed a picnic beneath a sakura tree in full bloom. Subaru tried to call out to them but his voice was drowned out by the crash of water separating him from them._

_Desperate not to be left behind, he wandered up and down the river bank in either direction to no avail. At last, he gave up and took a deep breath before wading into the river._

_By the second step, the water was already overpowering and his feet were promptly swept out from beneath him. He went under, inhaling water almost immediately as he had tried to call for help. He slammed into a boulder, knocking him half senseless and ripping a gash down his arm. He hit a smoother patch of water and surfaced briefly, sputtering and drinking down air before being tugged under and tossed around like a rag doll once more. Flailing hopelessly, he tried to catch hold of another rock or a branch, anything to help him escape the chaos but after a few failed attempts, he realized he was never going to make it out of this river alive and surrendered himself to the water. _

_Just before everything went dark however, Subaru felt something close on his wrist and a jerk in the wrong direction to be the river tugging at him. He struggled meekly, unsure as to whether he was trying to help or to hinder. _

_Either way, a few seconds later he was on solid ground, coughing up what felt like gallons of water. Exhausted, he collapsed for a few moments, gasping for air and trying to regain his senses. When he finally thought to look up, he realized he had fully expected one of the three from the picnic to be before him and was startled to see that it was not so._

_"Yo."_

_"Fuuma?" Subaru almost didn't recognize him without the glasses and the coat. _

_The young man nodded. "Decided to go for a dip?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye like a knowing wink._

_Subaru pulled himself up and stared up the other side of the river where the others seemed not to have even noticed his misadventure. _

_"You'll get there eventually you know." Fuuma told him softly. "We all will. Even me."_

_Subaru blinked and Hokuto shimmered and vanished, replaced by Kotori, giggling as she fed a starling crumbs of bread. He was surprised to see that Seishirou remained and asked Fuuma about it._

_The young man shrugged. "I liked him. He had good taste in crepes."_

_Subaru raised an eyebrow. _

_"Like you can judge."_

_"Not judging. Just surprised."_

_Fuuma gave him a calculating look. "You should come see me sometime."_

_"I don't know where you live now." Subaru thought it was his eyes at first but after rubbing them a few times, he realized that the colors were actually blurring around him, bleeding into one another like wet, dripping paint._

_"Ask him." Fuuma's mouth was stretched and fading into the grass behind him as the rest of him melted into one iridescent blob._

_Subaru swallowed the motion sickness brought on by the shifting scene and closed his eyes, waiting patiently for it to stabilize again. When he opened them again, he was sitting on the edge of his bed, only the floor seemed to have turned to black glass. Rather, upon closer inspection, it had been flooded by a thin layer of dark water._

_He knew this place…_

_"It was you all along, wasn't it?" _

_Ripples appeared in the water, heralding the arrival of another visitor. _

_"Yes."_

_"You mean it was all a lie?"_

_"In my experience, dreams never lie. They're the only place where one can find the truth." Kakyou replied gently._

_"Why?"_

_"Kamui asked it of me, the night before he died. He knew you better than you ever realized I think; he seemed to know that you would need a helping hand once all was said and done."_

_"Why only now then when it's been months?"_

_"You've been blocking me out." Kakyou answered sadly. "I've been trying to reach you all this time but you wouldn't allow me into your dreams. The only reason I could get through tonight was because you were ill and it left you off-guard."_

_Subaru vaguely recalled the light that had tried to slip into his dreams lately that he had so stubbornly resisted. _

"If what people say just before they die is the truth… or a lie… I don't know anymore. And I can't even ask."

I can ask now though_. Subaru realized. _If anyone would know, it's Kakyou_._

_But the blond man shook his head. "Truth is not as fixed as most would have it; it is subject to perception and ever-changing with interpretation. As such, I can no more define truth for you than I can rearrange the stars."_

_Subaru hung his head and Kakyou took a seat beside him. _

_"I used to envy you." He confessed. "You had her adoration and loyalty in a way I never could have even dreamed. It said a lot that dying for you meant more to her than living for me." He too hung his head. "Then I realized that the guilt and despair I felt at losing her and feeling as though I should have been able to stop it was probably nothing compared to how you felt."_

_"I didn't see it coming." Subaru sighed. "At least I didn't have to lose her before she was gone." He raised his head to look over at the man beside him. "Wasn't your wish to die?"_

_Kakyou nodded._

_"Is that part of why you're here?"_

_He shook his head. "No, I have… made arrangements as it were. But I wanted to fulfill my promise to Kamui first."_

_"You mean you've been stuck in limbo for months because I wouldn't talk to you?"_

_"You could say that."_

_"Why?"_

_"As I said, it was a promise." Kakyou gave an uncharacteristic chuckle. "And besides, I didn't want to face Hokuto and first have to explain why I abandoned you."_

_It was a rusty smile that tugged at Subaru's lips. _

_"Thank you." He paused, considering. "Am I really supposed to ask you where Fuuma lives now?"_

_Kakyou tilted his head slightly. "I didn't actually design that part of the dream."_

_"Fuuma was here himself?"_

_The blond man gave Subaru a steady, appraising look. "He might have been." He replied carefully. "Or you may simply have dreamed it yourself."_

_"Oh. Well do you know where he is?"_

_Kakyou shook his head. "But I know where you will be able to find him tomorrow evening."_

Subaru opened his eyes.

The fever broke.


	5. Chapter 5

Room 518.

Subaru stared at the numbers on the elevator panel, as they each went dark just as the next one lit up, indicating the path of his ascent. He took a deep breath and leaned back against the cherry wood paneling. The elevator paused on the fourth floor and a little boy stepped in.

_Yuya*._ Subaru swallowed hard as he took in the boy's bed head messy locks and trusting smile.

"Hi there Onii-san!" he piped without the faintest trace of fear.

_Why were children so trusting? Didn't they know how dangerous he was to be around?_

"Are you sick too?" The boy asked bluntly, oblivious to all the emotional eddies that could surround the question, looking only for familiarity.

"I-" Subaru choked. How did one answer that question? "No, just you"? or lie and claim to be ill?

Before he had to decide on the cruelty of truth or the cruelty of a lie, the elevator dinged its arrival at the fifth floor.

"Is this your stop?" the boy asked brightly and he nodded weakly before rushing out onto the floor. "Goodbye Onii-san!" the child called as the cold steel of the elevator doors closed quietly between them, leaving Subaru in a relief-filled silent solitude.

Room 518.

He remembered after a few more shaky moments of trying to catch his breath. He glanced down the hallway and realized he was next to room 503. It couldn't be far from here, he assumed.

The floor was tile and his normally quiet footsteps echoed in the hallway, accentuating the emptiness already highlighted by powder-white walls and blinding fluorescent lights burning down upon the corridor as if determined that nothing would taint its sterility, not even a speck of shadow. In his entirely black attire, from leather coat and gloves to boots, Subaru felt as though the lights were glaring at him, like he was a poison creeping into this place of healing. For a paranoid moment, he wondered if they knew his dark secrets somehow, if they knew all about the blood on his hands.

Suddenly he reached the end of the hallway and realized that he was gasping for air and standing next to room 522. He took a deep breath, and backtracked a few steps, trying not to tremble so much beneath the lights as he stood before 518. Now to face the next dilemma: to knock or not to knock?

He lifted a hand and touched the door lightly, and to his surprise, the decision was made for him as it swung open easily beneath his fingertips. He stepped silently inside, closing the door behind him as much to shut out the lingering judgment of the hall lights, as to not disturb the room's occupants. It did not come as the slightest surprise to find that there were two.

For a long time no one spoke and Subaru wasn't sure if it was because they were looking for the right words or because there was nothing to say. Instead he just watched the monitor with its little peaks and drops wondering if that was what his heart would look like, with even little flights and dips, or if it would just be one big peak and then an endless descent.

"I've never killed anyone you know." A voice broke his reverie. "Not as myself anyway. I don't know. Do you think killing someone while acting as an avatar to a person you don't even know counts?"

Fuuma's voice was far more even than it had any right to be, Subaru thought.

"Do you want me to do it for you?" It wasn't as if it mattered if he had more blood on his conscience at this point.

"No." Fuuma sighed. "A promise is a promise."

"But you aren't the one who made it with him."

"No. But the person who made that promise is gone. And I'm the one left dealing with all of the messes he made."

Subaru considered this carefully. He supposed he should have asked why Fuuma but it seemed redundant at this point. "And how have you dealt with those messes?" He asked bluntly.

"Not well." Fuuma replied just as bluntly. "At least not at first." He sank into a chair beside the bed intended for visitors and well-wishers. "I was homeless for a while. What with my parents being dead and their property long since sold as I was presumed dead by more distant relatives. To this day, I can't figure out exactly where the other me was living, if he had any one domicile at all, so it wasn't like I could just go back there. When I realized that on top of everything else, I didn't even have a place to hide, I sort of just gave up. Lived on the streets for a few weeks."

"You became a beggar?"

"No. I didn't do anything at first. The day I started begging was the day I began to live again. That was the day I realized I _wanted_ to live enough that I would beg for it." Fuuma moved to stand over Kakyou's limp form, toying with the IV. "Life isn't something that we're handed. Existence is, but not life."

"So now you help children and live everyday to the fullest, because that's what Kamui would have wanted, right?" Subaru replied wearily.

"No." Fuuma clutched at the drip suddenly as though needing something to which to cling. "I told myself that at first. And I cannot deny that it is a factor. I could not allow Kamui's final wish go unanswered. But if I'm being honest, I'm not doing this just for him."

Subaru raised an eyebrow.

"He's dead." Fuuma added flatly. "It's not like he can know or care anymore what I do with myself."

It was refreshing to hear bitterness, Subaru realized, after all the attempts at uplifting speeches he had been subjected to as of late. This he felt he might be able to swallow.

"You know what, Subaru? Seishirou's dead too."

"That would be stating the obvious."

Fuuma raised his head with an authoritative look, jarringly reminiscent of the other Kamui and Subaru found himself somewhat breathlessly wondering if that part of him had always existed, rather than been brought about by the destinies surrounding 1999. Even his voice, when he spoke, resonated with the lower register of the Dragon of Earth he had once been.

"He would not have wanted you to move on with your life. He would have wanted you to love him forever, and to obsess over that love, letting it eat away at you until there was nothing left of your soul but anguish and longing."

"He was always kind of a sadist."

"No." Fuuma cut him off. "Seishirou was not sadistic; it was not for the pleasure of bringing you pain that he acted. It was to see if someone would love even him, with his twisted and empty heart." He let go of the IV. "And he found it. In a person whose soul was so pure that he could find it in his heart to love anyone."

Subaru closed his eyes. "But I'm not that person anymore."

"Aren't you? All those things he would have wanted, Subaru, would have been because they would prove that you were still you, that you were still capable of loving so deeply that it would override your own sense of self-preservation." Fuuma gave a pained smile. "Because in his own great and terrible way, he did love you the way you were."

Subaru had thought that he had been numb since that day on the bridge, and yet the words felt like a knife in the gut and he found himself fighting the urge to sink to his knees.

"But it doesn't matter now, because, as I pointed out earlier, he's dead. So if you want to punish yourself Subaru, go right ahead, but acknowledge that you aren't doing it for him."

"Do you still punish yourself for Kamui's death?"

Silence fell between them, checked only by the quiet beeping of the monitors surrounding Kakyou's bed.

"Funerals are not held for the dead." He replied at long last. "The rituals which follow death, they are all for those left behind, to ease their own heartaches."

"What if there isn't anything that can ease it?"

"Well, you could stagnate like you have been doing. Hang in the balance between life and death, continuing only to exist as little as possible."

Subaru glanced at the hospital bed.

"No." Fuuma shook his head quickly. "Kakyou has been doing more than that. Even in the state he's in, he made an effort, although he would probably deny it. He could have let go at any point, but he fought to stay alive long enough to bear witness to the end of the world. He's been longing to join his lover for years, and yet he didn't, because in his eyes, he still had a job to do. If you devoted yourself to the duties of Sakurazukamori with the unwavering belief that it was more important than anything else for you to fulfill them, then, and only then, could you compare yourself to Kakyou."

"I could never go about killing with that kind of zeal."

Fuuma shrugged. "I didn't say you had to. Only that doing so would make your situations comparable. You could just as well return to being exclusively the head of the Sumeragi, so long as you were devoting yourself to _something_. The entire point, you see, is to have a purpose."

Subaru considered the words and felt that a certain vague idea was tugging at the back of his mind although he could not put his finger on what it was.

Fuuma seemed to recognize the gears turning in his head and for the time being, appeared to be satisfied with this progress.

"I guess it's about time then." He turned to the machines surrounding Kakyou.

"Did you want me to come just so that you could feel as though you had restored someone's life the same day that you killed another?" Subaru wondered as he heard the click of a switch.

"I didn't consciously think that." Fuuma answered, his back turned. "But maybe."

Subaru slipped out the door as alarms went off, alerting the nurses.

He made his way to Ueno, feeling the inexplicable draw that he had come to recognize as the sakura's way of highlighting a chosen victim.

By the time he had arrived, the sun had vanished over the horizon, leaving only faint streaks of ruddy violet in the western sky as if it were lingering just out of sight. At this point, the park was empty as the nip in the air had driven most occupants indoors, to shelter and warmth and the few people hurrying past on their own ways home did not strike him in the least. He strolled to the center of the park, to the one tree still in full bloom.

For a long moment, he stood beneath it, lost in contemplation, then, for the first time since he was a young child, felt the urge to climb a tree. With that thought barely formed, he pulled himself into the branches and settled amid the fragrant blossoms, feeling strangely at home. He savored the sensation for a few long minutes before realizing that he was no longer alone. A boy, perhaps in his early teens, had approached the tree as well in unabashed admiration.

"Do you like the sakura?" Subaru heard himself ask without thinking.

The boy blushed, evidently having been unaware that someone was watching. "Y-yes." He stammered then held up a small canvas. "I was thinking of painting it tomorrow when there's more light out."

_The sakura liked this boy as well. _"Are you an artist?"

"I want to be." The boy admitted shyly. "I like to create things, you know? Painting, drawing, crafting, I love all of it."

"Is that so." An icy breeze rustled the petals and the boy shivered, but did not move. Mildly intrigued, Subaru continued experimentally, "But the sakura have a checkered past. They say that the blossoms are pink because they drink the blood of those buried beneath it."

The boy considered this momentarily then answered, "But does having a dark past automatically make something ugly?"

"You still like the sakura?"

The boy nodded with an innocent grin and suddenly something clicked into place and Subaru was struck by the notion that all the world was right. Fuuma had been right all along; it was simply a matter of finding a purpose. "I tell you what." He leapt down from his perch to face the boy.

"Let's make a bet."

.

.

_*For anyone who doesn't recall, Yuya was the little boy in Tokyo Babylon that Subaru met in the hospital, the one with kidney failure. I didn't mean to imply that the child in this scene was in fact the same person, as my assumption was that Yuya probably died very young and therefore many years before this takes place._


End file.
